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“The thing that disturb me the most of being far from home is not the ‘I miss everything and everyone’ part,
but it is the comfort that is gradually slipping away.
The visit to ‘home town’ has become a vacation.
The ‘home’ as destination has become a holiday spot,
and staying at ‘home’ means tagging along suitcases and filling up the cupboard for next a month,
could be less or could be more.
Home has become the destination of holiday, the vacation.
I have become a tourist in a place where I was born,
I have become a stanger in a place where once I called it as home sweet home.
But what I have learnt is,
I have started looking deep within me.
For memories that don’t fade away.
I may forget the fragrance of rain or the morning dew on the grass,
but I keep the scenery of myself watched the green grass and raindrops from the window of the house I grew up in,
I may not keep up with every thing that has been going on back home, I may not talk everyday with everyone whom I used to stay in with,

but I keep their smiles, and collages of their laughter alive inside me.
Home is where my heart resides with the memories that I keep.
No matter where I stay,
and even though I don’t get to visit it as frequently as I want to,
I carry home inside me.”

(Lan)

 

I Am A Horrible Friend

Friend. At the age of 36, I still wonder what does this word mean.

Friend could become multiple, which we all known as ‘friends’, and from there we have specific categories, such as; good friends, best friends, best friends forever, family friends, friend’s friends, and perhaps few more categories. And by the passage of time, I have categorised myself into ‘Horrible Friend’.

No, I am not exaggerating it.

I have never been without one. In fact, I had always surrounded not only one, but many. Started at early age. I was never an anti-social kind of person. I had mingled with the nerds, the rebellious, the simplest, the ‘famous’ kind of kids. Somewhere in last ten years, I once had Facebook account (which now I have forgotten what the password is), that I dedicated only for friends and I had over 1000 friends in it in which I knew every single of them in real life and they knew me as well (Don’t forget that we have online life, too!). And I just didn’t know them by name only, but their parts life, too.

So what has happened? Have I become selfish? I am sure some people who know me from ages, would agree with that word, the selfish word.

I heard that time has made everyone to change. Time has matured everyone. Perhaps.

As in my case, time has led me to my passion, writing. I don’t chase my passion, I want it to become the life that I want to live, but sadly that has become the foundation of me in making myself becoming ‘a horrible friend’. Perhaps to most of people who know me, I have become obsessed with my passion, that they thought I have shifted my attention from they to I. I have made ‘I’ more important than ‘Them”, and when the topic wouldn’t be about writing, I would be quiet as if I have lost interest in the conversation.

I am not trying to praise myself, but I knew I was a very flexible person, a great listener. Because of that I was known as an easy going, understanding, and helpful kind of person. I was one of those friends that would give without asking anything in return, and would tried my best not to ask for help until the situation would become desperate enough that I couldn’t do anything, except to ask somebody for a help.

Have I turned to worst? And if I have, what could be the cause(s)? Has my passion become the culprit? As because of it, I have become someone who is not ‘that flexible’ anymore. But when I found silence instead of support in between my passion, I knew I had to re-learn the meaning of ‘friend’. When I could listen and understand their life stories and they turned their head away from my passion, I knew I never actually understand the meaning of ‘friend’.

I have always a self-taught kind of person and prefer to learn everything silently.

At the moment, silently I am teaching ‘friendship’ to myself through experiences and reflections. I an teaching myself to be alright with the concept that “I” matter. Somehow, this learning time has turned me into a silence itself. And perhaps because of that, I have become a horrible friend to many.

-L-

Before You Leave

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Sometimes I write excerpt of my poem and put it as quote. In February this year, I wrote this poem and somehow the excerpt has been one of my favourites.

“I never want to keep you,

but every time I see those eyes, silently I whisper a prayer, 

…’Stay’.

Although I know, you wouldn’t.

But I couldn’t stop myself admiring the soul that I keep seeing in between the blink eyes of yours,

it is such a beautiful rawness. and I know that all beautiful things are meant to let go.

But, before you leave…

make me to believe that time could stop.

Before you leave…

make me forget that you are saying goodbye.”

(Lan)

Have You Ever Left?

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“Frames of our tales,
aren’t hung on the wall,
yet memoirs are played in my mind well.

Your kisses,
are no longer mine,
the stains are invisibly shown,
yet, my soul doesn’t let others to whisper me their kisses on skin of mine.

The melody of your smiles,
has turned into rhythm of sorrows,
plays the music of silence.

The garden of roses have bloomed in darkness,
yet the thornes indulge me,
to remain onside the fantasy of our love stories.

You left,
but have you ever left my soul, darling?

(Lan)

– Image is courtesy of Google Image

Sky Falls

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A journal, written on 14th March 2017.

“Sky falls,
no, it is not a song title,
no, it is not a movie title.

Sky does fall,
on me,
when you visibly reduce the size of your smiles.
When you no longer laugh on my silly acts.

Sky does fall,
on me,
when I have to wait for sun to rise and to set,
for moon and stars to blink and to shine the night,
and let them happen in days, weeks, months,
counting them,
waiting for you to message me back.

Sky does fall,
on me,
when I no longer hear your lips utter sweet compliments.

Sky does fall,
on me,
when I start to feel the gap between my fingers.
When your eyes start to wander eventhough I am right here in front of you.

Sky does fall,
on me,
when you no longer recognize that I smile sadness.

Sky does fall,
on me,
numerous times,
since the moment your love kiss goodbye to mine.”
(Lan)

Your Silence

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“I never mind to dance to any tune,

but I never knew,
that I would also dance to the tune of your silence.

Amongst all the noises,
your silence stands out.
It speaks louder than you have ever spoken to me.
In between my favorite songs,
your silence is the one I could hear the most.
It has created its own tune, its own rhythm, its own melody,
it has become the music of my life,
and I am writing its lyrics right here,
with the ink I have.

Your silence has been the most sharp tune I have ever listened to,
It has been parting us more apart than before.

But with the lyrics I write,
your silence is the most beautiful dance my ink has ever written.”

(Lan)

– This poem has been one of my favorite and it’s included amongst other poems on my first book, ‘Words of Sunset’.

A Poet

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“You might be known as the fool one,

the one who dwells soul into pain, sorrows, and despairs.
All kind of sadness emotions.

You might be the one whom they refer to as a lunatic, a loner, a weirdo.
All kind of pathetic roles.

But they forget,
you are a magician.

For you to be able to dissolve all expired moments and feelings,
into something that has got longer time,
much longer time than an expiry.
Something like…
… an eternity.

You could turn expired moments and feelings,
into an everlasting memoirs.

And there is nothing sad about it.
Rather it is,
in my humble opinion,
is…
a magic.”

(Lan)

 

Cruelty

“We kiss our hello,
and we silent our goodbye.
We share our smiles,
and we keep our cries deeply within us.

We don’t let flower vase to break,
but we break each other’s heart.

What is it in love that we tend to leave scars,
and let it be the tattoo in which the ink is invisible,
but the pain hurts deep,
and it doesn’t go away.

What is it in love,
that we can’t be sober from the addiction of it,
what is it in love,
that the heartache of it, has become the future for so many of us.

We fall in love and later we rise in hate.
We are longing for love,
but yet,
we have made it as a fugitive that we want to catch, capture, punish,
and at the end,
execute it.

Isn’t it a cruelty?

Could we love and end it with love?
Not with hatred,
not with silence,
not with brokenness…
Could the butterfly feeling of first love, first kiss, first touch,
last forever until we no longer own our breath?
Could the smile of our first date,
be the smile of our everyday?
Could the words I love you stay?
Could we fall in love,
and rise in love, too?
Could we not relate love with cruelty?” (Lan)

Law Of Attraction

Law of attraction, was a new concept to me years ago.

When I heard it, I thought it was a kind of law to attract other human beings. I saw these words once on Twitter and honestly, I ignored it. At that time I was in the middle of ‘Having only Twitter kind of life, without any other social media’. I didn’t want to get distracted by any other social medias, it was like I had detox from online life.

I can’t deny, I enjoyed Twitter-only life. I mostly tweeted my own quotes, and read others that were hilarious and full with sarcasm. It was quite interesting, too, since the platform to tweet is only up to 140 characters, it was challenging for me of how to have the depth in the quotes that I wrote. So it pushed my word-creativity talent.

As I was looking forward to everyday routine of ‘tweeting’, my eyes caught the words ‘Law of Attraction’. The first thing came into my mind after reading it was ‘Not Attracted’. I ignored it. Out of a sight, out of the mind, I heard that phrase repeated by many, and this sentence of ‘Law of Attraction’ was clearly not willing to move from my sight. Every time I logged into Tweeter, I would see this over and over again. So of course, my curious mind whispered me to find out what was it all about. It looked like I was attracted to the law of attraction, I thought in my mind, ‘Mmm, whoever found this law, is already working on me, I am hooked!’

The first thing I read was ‘A belief that by focusing on positive or negative thoughts, a person brings positive or negative experiences into their life.’, I paused for awhile, tried to digest the sentence that I just read. ‘So basically it’s about positive thinking, all the time. My mind said, ‘It is not something new’. Then I read some more. I paused again.

‘Is it a concept of delusion?’ Or a denial? As it’s said that ‘One must feel (through creative visualisation) that the desire changes have already occured. It also said that the combination of positive thought and positive emotion is believed to allow attract positive experiences and opportunities.

I paused again.

I didn’t say that I didn’t like what I read. The problem was to believe in it, although I was sure that if we would have positive thought and we let ourselves to feel it, of course positive situation would happen. But I found it hard to chanel our mind into positivity when all we see and we feel is negativity. So I found it hard to believe in it.

When I shared this to a friend, she immediately blamed me for not believing it right away, because that what I sent to my mind, and it would be programmed into a belief that I would carry in me. I smiled, and I said ‘I am being realistic’.

We never talked about it again.

Time passed and the subject of Law of Attraction has faded away.

When I published my book, the same friend asked me, ‘So the book happened, Law of Attraction?’, I looked at her and I answered, ‘No. I have left that subject long ago’.

But it came back now, just like a past that never goes away. I suddenly felt trapped in the middle of a question, ‘Did I practise the Law of Attraction in making my book published?’. I recalled all information I remembered about it, and silently I screamed to myself, ‘No, I didn’t’.

I didn’t wake up everyday felt positive rather the opposite, but I remembered I pushed myself to the limit every single day to live in certain situation where pleasant was not easy to feel, yet I still able to write and poured it from my soul. Though I might had negative feeling when I went through my day and night, but I knew the word ‘broke or financial struggle’ was not the one that stick in my mind neither the one that I chanted to attract universe, yet I experienced it every single day. So I convinced myself that I didn’t practise Law of Attraction.

I have watched a video that was shared on social media in which famous people shared their thought and experience towards the topic, of how its connection without mind and emotion could let our dream to come true.

I didn’t say that what they said on video was wrong, but this is what I acknowledge, that I worked hard and I put efforts under discomfort and distress. It wasn’t a kind of circumstance in which smiles and joys spread all over me or around me, it wasn’t a supportive situation but I pulled it off. I didn’t attract motivation, rather the opposite, yet the result went towards positive side. That’s not what I read and understood about Law of Attraction.

Perhaps unintentionally I did practise the belief. I do get it. But I still have a problem believing it.

-L-

Mannequin Love

 

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“As I stand here,
my frozen smile waves at you, a devoted gesture that comes from my sensual red painted lips.

As I stand here,
I never fail to look at you from the windows of my almond shape hazelnut eyes.
I don’t let my long thick eyelashes disturb the beautiful view of you,
neither I let them blink, for I don’t want to miss seeing you.
I am afraid if I do, you would be gone,
because you know how we all can go in matter of seconds, in a blink of an eye…
so I let myself to be impolite, staring at you.
I apologise sweetheart, if that makes you feel uncomfortable.

As I stand here,
perfectly I shape myself,
to look as elegant as I could be.
It’s my wishful thinking that it would please your gorgeous eyes.

As I stand here,
I don’t let sunlight ruins my skin,
for I always want to present you all the best of me,
even I make sure my brunette wavy locks look shiny and neat all the time,
for I want to be perfect in front of you,
all seasons.

As I stand here,
one thinking haunts me all the time,
do you notice all of those efforts, sweetheart?
Is my perfection has ever crossed in your mind to be your desire,
to be the one whom you would keep inside your heart,
to be the flame who would ignite your soul,
to be the treasure of lifetime…

As I stand here,
I wonder perhaps I shouldn’t thrive to perfection,
for I look cold to you,
for I look stiff to you,
for I look dead to you,
am I right, sweetheart?
Perhaps I should just be like anybody else,
being ourselves with all imperfections.
But for the beauty just as you are,
perfection is what you deserve.

As I stand here,
let me wish that one day,
my perfection would make you stare back at me,
for you would see the frozen soul inside me,
burns only for you.”

(Lan)