“Why you chose to write poetry? It is already hard to earn your place in writing world, let alone a poetry.”
“Why you prefer to exist behind the curtain? Why don’t you like to be on spotlight?”
“Why you prefer to be silent? Why you don’t want to talk?”
… and too many other ‘why’ questions.
The word ‘why’ is perhaps one the most offensive words to me, and at the same time it happens to be the most stimulating word, too. When my reason of action and/or my statement is being questioned, that dislike nauseatic feeling starts to creep me in. Immediately I would feel as if I am being judged, being doubted; as if somebody would point out my flaws; as if I am not good enough; as if I am not perfect, although deep inside me I know how much imperfect I am. And when the word ‘why’ becomes too many, that my one simple explanation is not good enough, I would reach the point where I get suffocated and burst myself into silence. When silence can’t escape me, I would have to excuse myself to leave the conversation and let my eyes pour their rain. Sometimes, rage, which is the opposite of silence, could happen when I am being pushed with too many ‘why’, and I never like the version of me whenever I am on rage.
I am one of those who choose to let people be the way they want to, do anything they want to. To some, my choice not to get involve is being considered as an ignorant, while I take it as ‘trying my best to understand the diversity, that each person is different’. Perhaps having able to grow up in an environment which require tolerance in every aspect of life has made me become a flexible person. Although I had couple of people told me that it is in my element too, that I was born as a Pisces which said to have the ability to understand, to not judged easily, to tolerate, but not many people believe in sign/zodiac, so I would rather choose the environment I was grown up at to be the key of my understanding trait.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to say that I don’t get interest in others. But I avoid being aggressive. And because of this, I am being considered as a passive person, someone who won’t initiate and who follows the flow.
Perhaps it’s true. As I choose not to be aggressive, so of course I am being put into the box that has a label ‘passive‘. It is a common sense.
I was questioned once of why would I prefer to be labeled as one, I remember I said I didn’t choose the label passive it’s other(s) who have labeled me. And it’s true, I don’t put myself into any label nor box, this is just the way I prefer. I don’t like to put others into situation where they would feel awkward from my ‘why’ questions. I don’t like to make them think that their choices are wrong, and worst I don’t want them to feel as if they are a mistake.
It might sound lovely that I prefer to listen and to understand others more, but undeniable, it has put me into dilemma, of whether I shall continue my preference, or be a little bit more aggressive, as it is a necessary trait too. The stimulation that I get from the question ‘why’ doesn’t help the dilemma either, as this particular word does ignite my brain to think of smart(est) explanation that I could give. But then I would put myself into the situation of how unpleasant it is to have ourselves to explain every single step that we take, every single action that we do, every single thing that we prefer to do; how exhausting it is to explain what we would want to become; how unfair it is to explain our existence.